This week has been such a nightmare. I don't feel like this is really happening.
The first 3 days my mom was in the hospital, they ran every single test imaginable on her. She had every part of her body scanned and tested and prodded at. On the 4th day they told her they saw what looked like cancer on her spine, so they did a bone scan. And found more.
She was officially diagnosed with cancer, in it's fourth stage. Cancer only has four stages. I don't know how no one found it sooner. We don't even know what kind it is. It's from her shins up to her chest, and something in her lungs, and something in her breasts. They did a biopsy and will know where it started on Thursday. The oncologist said he really thinks it's breast cancer that had grown, and that if that was the case it would be the easiest to treat.
I've never been this scared or this sad or this angry in my entire life. I don't know how to feel what I'm feeling. I can't believe this is happening to my mom. This is something that happens in movies and the occasional friend of a friend's relative. My mom has never been sick, ever, it's heart breaking to watch her be this weak and this vulnerable.
If I could take it all on myself I would. I just want my mom to be fine.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Guess it's been a while.
It's been an incredibly stressful couple of months.
Ross and I were having a period where we were arguing a little too frequently, so I went back to my parents' house for about a week. That was difficult, more than I thought it would be. I love the life Ross and I have built together and it was hard to be without him, even for just a week. I spent a lot of time with my mom, who's been insanely sick the past 2 months, and the switching of roles was a little weird and a lot sad. I'm so used to being the sickly kid having my mother take care of me, and taking care of my mom (who has never been sick more than 2 days in her life) was kind of weird. But also fulfilling.
I also spent a lot of time with Holly in Orlando. Holly has been everything I want in a friend for the past 2 years and I love the time I spend with her and the other Orlando kids. They're the sweetest, most generous people I know. I am so grateful for the way my friends are always offering their shoulders for me to cry on, no matter what.
Now I'm back in Daytona and things are back to being blissful and exciting. Ross is at work, and I'm crossing my fingers that he'll bring home a stromboli for me.
But anyway.
My mom is really sick, and I'm starting to believe that all doctors are idiots. She goes to one, who tells her it's probably her brain tumor coming back. Fantastic. So she gets an MRI and they tell her no, no that's not what the problem is. Then she goes back to the doctor crying in pain, and he says she's "too upset" (what the hell that even means I have no idea), and puts her on 3 mg of Xanax a day and tells her to calm down and come back in a month. I don't know how he sleeps at night. So 3 different doctors and 2 trips to the E.R. later, she's been told it's migraines, menopause, psychological, and now it's, "Oh oops, we might have read the MRI wrong, and it IS the brain tumor. Our bad."
I've never worried about my mom the way I'm worried about her now. I can't stand to think about it. I've been feeling so selfish lately, crying over the dumbest things possible while she's trying so hard to hold it together.
I guess though, even though things are a tad bit lame lately, that I myself am doing alright.
Ross and I were having a period where we were arguing a little too frequently, so I went back to my parents' house for about a week. That was difficult, more than I thought it would be. I love the life Ross and I have built together and it was hard to be without him, even for just a week. I spent a lot of time with my mom, who's been insanely sick the past 2 months, and the switching of roles was a little weird and a lot sad. I'm so used to being the sickly kid having my mother take care of me, and taking care of my mom (who has never been sick more than 2 days in her life) was kind of weird. But also fulfilling.
I also spent a lot of time with Holly in Orlando. Holly has been everything I want in a friend for the past 2 years and I love the time I spend with her and the other Orlando kids. They're the sweetest, most generous people I know. I am so grateful for the way my friends are always offering their shoulders for me to cry on, no matter what.
Now I'm back in Daytona and things are back to being blissful and exciting. Ross is at work, and I'm crossing my fingers that he'll bring home a stromboli for me.
But anyway.
My mom is really sick, and I'm starting to believe that all doctors are idiots. She goes to one, who tells her it's probably her brain tumor coming back. Fantastic. So she gets an MRI and they tell her no, no that's not what the problem is. Then she goes back to the doctor crying in pain, and he says she's "too upset" (what the hell that even means I have no idea), and puts her on 3 mg of Xanax a day and tells her to calm down and come back in a month. I don't know how he sleeps at night. So 3 different doctors and 2 trips to the E.R. later, she's been told it's migraines, menopause, psychological, and now it's, "Oh oops, we might have read the MRI wrong, and it IS the brain tumor. Our bad."
I've never worried about my mom the way I'm worried about her now. I can't stand to think about it. I've been feeling so selfish lately, crying over the dumbest things possible while she's trying so hard to hold it together.
I guess though, even though things are a tad bit lame lately, that I myself am doing alright.
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