Mom

This week has been such a nightmare. I don't feel like this is really happening.
The first 3 days my mom was in the hospital, they ran every single test imaginable on her. She had every part of her body scanned and tested and prodded at. On the 4th day they told her they saw what looked like cancer on her spine, so they did a bone scan. And found more.

She was officially diagnosed with cancer, in it's fourth stage. Cancer only has four stages. I don't know how no one found it sooner. We don't even know what kind it is. It's from her shins up to her chest, and something in her lungs, and something in her breasts. They did a biopsy and will know where it started on Thursday. The oncologist said he really thinks it's breast cancer that had grown, and that if that was the case it would be the easiest to treat.

I've never been this scared or this sad or this angry in my entire life. I don't know how to feel what I'm feeling. I can't believe this is happening to my mom. This is something that happens in movies and the occasional friend of a friend's relative. My mom has never been sick, ever, it's heart breaking to watch her be this weak and this vulnerable.

If I could take it all on myself I would. I just want my mom to be fine.

Guess it's been a while.

It's been an incredibly stressful couple of months.

Ross and I were having a period where we were arguing a little too frequently, so I went back to my parents' house for about a week. That was difficult, more than I thought it would be. I love the life Ross and I have built together and it was hard to be without him, even for just a week. I spent a lot of time with my mom, who's been insanely sick the past 2 months, and the switching of roles was a little weird and a lot sad. I'm so used to being the sickly kid having my mother take care of me, and taking care of my mom (who has never been sick more than 2 days in her life) was kind of weird. But also fulfilling.
I also spent a lot of time with Holly in Orlando. Holly has been everything I want in a friend for the past 2 years and I love the time I spend with her and the other Orlando kids. They're the sweetest, most generous people I know. I am so grateful for the way my friends are always offering their shoulders for me to cry on, no matter what.

Now I'm back in Daytona and things are back to being blissful and exciting. Ross is at work, and I'm crossing my fingers that he'll bring home a stromboli for me.

But anyway.
My mom is really sick, and I'm starting to believe that all doctors are idiots. She goes to one, who tells her it's probably her brain tumor coming back. Fantastic. So she gets an MRI and they tell her no, no that's not what the problem is. Then she goes back to the doctor crying in pain, and he says she's "too upset" (what the hell that even means I have no idea), and puts her on 3 mg of Xanax a day and tells her to calm down and come back in a month. I don't know how he sleeps at night. So 3 different doctors and 2 trips to the E.R. later, she's been told it's migraines, menopause, psychological, and now it's, "Oh oops, we might have read the MRI wrong, and it IS the brain tumor. Our bad."

I've never worried about my mom the way I'm worried about her now. I can't stand to think about it. I've been feeling so selfish lately, crying over the dumbest things possible while she's trying so hard to hold it together.

I guess though, even though things are a tad bit lame lately, that I myself am doing alright.

20.

Ever since my birthday I've been thinking about how different my life is now compared to my teenage years. And how much I've learned. Here's a list.

1. DO keep a diary of some sort- It's a good way to put together your thoughts and also a nice way to moniter how much you've grown from year to year.

2. DON'T dye your hair every five minutes- Ugh. As fun as it is to look like a different person every other week, it takes FOREVER to get back to your natural color, and you have to use a bunch of product to make it feel healthy again.

3.DO read books- It makes me CRAZY when I tell someone to read a book I think they'd like, and they respond with, "I don't really read, I don't like it". WELL, how do you know you don't like it if you never do it? I love reading. I probably read a book a week, at least.

4. DON'T ever say you hate your parents- It's mean. And you really don't hate them. Parents are so much more fun when you grow out of the being-embarrassed-by-them stage. Now that I'm older, my mom and I have this really awesome bond, and it means so much to me.

5. DO listen to the advice you get from old people- For the most part, they're pretty wise and know what they're talking about.

6. DON'T EVER compromise your beliefs for a boy- ever.

7. DO find time to spend by yourself- It's nice to be alone sometimes. It's necessary. My mom calls it "me time". If my mom and I go a few days without our "me time", we start to get really, really grouchy.

8. DON'T assume that guys know why you're mad- If a boy asks you what's wrong, and you say, "Ugh. Nothing. SIIIIGGHHH", it makes the situation way harder than it could have been, had you just said, "I'm annoyed because you did this".

9.DO start conversations with strangers at Starbucks- Because you might as well talk to someone while you're drinking coffee, and it's really fun to hear what random people have to say.

10. DON'T judge people before you even know them- Or at least try your best not to. I think everyone judges people, without even meaning to. But to make an opinion about a person, you have to have an actual conversation with them first.

11. DO hang out with your grandparents- Luckily all of my grandparents are still alive. I always feel really bad when peoples' grandparents die. But seriously, grandparents are so helpful and fun. I love learning about what they were like when they were my age.

12. DON'T eat half of an eighteen inch pizza- Especially if you're lactose intolerant. Ohhh gosh gross memories. This leads me to...

13. DO maintain a healthy diet- The better you eat, the better you feel. Definitely true. Last year I did this total makeover of my life, and part of it was to change my eating habits. Not only did I lose the pizza-beer-french fries gut I was carrying around, but I'm actually HAPPIER when I eat healthy food.

14. DON'T throw away coupons- They are so extremely useful and really add up. I love free/discounted things.

15. DO tell your friends the truth, not just what they want to hear- This gets particularly uncomfortable sometimes. But if someone asks me if they look stupid in an outfit, and they do, I'll tell them the truth. I want my friends to be honest with me, and vice versa, because I love them.

16. DON'T shoot down other people's values- Whether it's political preference, religious beliefs, whatever, you never have the right to tell someone that what they believe in is stupid. Having a different view is one thing, but telling someone they're wrong about anything like that is just...dumb. Yeah. Really dumb.

17. DO admit when you're wrong- Even though it's a drag. Most of my family and friends, as well as myself, are very strong-willed people. Arguing with any of them is such a pain because neither one of us will want to admit that the other is right. But if you're wrong, and you realize it, just take accountability and move on.

18. DON'T leave your check card in the ATM.

19. DO accept help when you need it- As much as I like to act like I don't need anyone and I can take care of myself, sometimes I need help. And a lot of people in the past have offered to help me out, and I didn't accept it, and now I wish I had. You can't do everything alone.

20. DON'T give up on everything and lose hope, no matter how awful the situation is. It could ALWAYS be worse, and it will ALWAYS get better. Still working on this one.

Well this has taken me about an hour and a half. Even though no one ever reads this, I think I did a pretty ok job.

Wheelchairs, birthdays, and cars, oh heck.

Turning 20 was better than bad. Went shopping with my mom and out to eat, as per usual, got a bunch of new nice grownup stuff. And a toaster! Glory be. Ross was freaking out about what to get me because I wouldn't give him any ideas, but he ended up figuring it out and getting me awesome presents, including this really nice and tasty hummus from World Market.

Today was the day Ross and I FINALLY found a wheelchair for the apartment. We've been searching high and low for the past month and a half, checking weekly at every consignment / thrift / used furniture shop within a 20 mile radius. And no luck...UNTIL TODAY.

He's so excited about it, and I must admit it's a lovely new addition to the room. No one really understood why we wanted one as a computer chair but they obviously don't understand fun either.
Now that we are equipped with a wheelchair and a toaster, all we have left to get is a pet. Or a bonsai tree.

In other news, I finally started driving lessons. It's taken until now because of all those stupid seizures; I had to go a year without having any in order to even apply for my permit. So, ok, I think I'm gonna be a pro and a half at this driving biz. At least on a normal-person car. My mom tried to get me to practice on her stick shift but after stalling 3 times going in the circle of the driveway I told her I wasn't really into driving a car that couldn't think for itself. Why do companies even MAKE standard cars anymore?
Seriously cannot wait to have the independence of going where I want to go, WHEN I want to go, in my own car, with my own music. People don't understand how frustrating it is to not have that ability.

Oh frick. Have to go put up fliers for Ross's work around the apartment. Lame.

Bike week? More like scare-the-pants-off-drivers week.

So this week we moved into a new apartment. I GUESS this one is nicer (yeah definitely is) but I loved our old one way more because it was right by the beach. Our room is still a mess, but hey. At least our fridge is full for once.
Moving was INSANE, considering the fact that it's Bike Week and we are in Daytona. There are tons of bikers, tons of merchandise stands on the street, and tons of bikini-clad girls washing bikes. It took us 6 or 7 trips back and forth through Daytona, and about 15 hours. RIII-DICULOUS.

Registering for school this week. I feel like I've taken such a long break from anything academic that I'm going to be really bad at being a student again. I can't wait though. I'm in such a learn-new-things phase and I'm one of the few people in the universe who actually likes taking notes. Should be preeeetty sweet.

Hmmph. Turning twenty in 14 days. Really don't know how I feel about all that. I certainly don't feel like I'm ready to leave my teen years and turn into a real grownup. I need to find a dress to wear. Not that I have any plans FOR my birthday, but I feel like if I'm going to turn twenty, I should be in a dress, for suresies.
Ross is making salsa in the kitchen. His eyes are all watery from the onions and he was clearly having a hard time breathing in the onion-ness, so I said, "you ok bub?". His response was to fake cry and say, "I just love you so much..." and crumple up his face. He's so cute.
I'm really happy with where my life is going.
Neat.

My Big Fat Appendix-Free Christmas

Oh holy man. Never in a million years would I have guessed the holidays would turn out like this.
So, Tuesday night, Ross and I meet my parents and my grandma at Gator's Dockside for dinner. I sure do love potato skins, let me tell you. So after I got home and my belly started hurting, I figured it was just the greasiness of the food I ate.
Then, when it was 2:00 a.m. and my belly was still hurting, I decided I was never going to Gator's Dockside again because they were clearly trying to kill me with potatoes.
THEN, when I was still awake at 7:00 a.m. because of the pain, and I hadn't even been to the bathroom or anything, and I realized it was only the right side of my stomach that hurt, I guess I started to get a little panicky. Went and got Doctor Mom. Went on Web M.D. Went to the ER and found out my appendix was about to burst.
I'd really really hoped I was overreacting. In the emergency room I got a bed right away, it was the day of Christmas Eve and people were choosing not to be sick so at least I wasn't waiting around in pain.
The nurse, of course, was the kind of idiot nurse who obviously hated sick people and should have chosen a different job and made me even more stressed out. After lots of her and a doctor prodding and me crying, they got me on an IV and took me to a room where I got a CT scan. And within 3 hours I was being prepped for surgery.
The last thing I remember saying is, "Oh, is that the anesthesia?"
Then I woke up calling out "ROSS" and trying to breathe. The surgery was Laproscopic so it was 3 small holes: under my bellybutton, on the right side of my tummy, and on my waistline. Also though, they inflated my belly with gas, so I now look like a malnutrition victim or maybe 4 months pregnant. The worst part of waking up was not being able to talk; the anesthesia tube they'd put down my throat had left me with no voice and bloody spit. Awful.
After a night full of crying and Dilaudid-induced sleep that lasted for 20 minutes at a time, they checked me out this morning (after telling me I needed to "at least try to fart to move that air around") and let me go home around 11:00 am. And I got lots of presents and hugs and jokes, even though it hurts like heck to laugh.
I'm so glad I got to be with family today and not stuck in a room with a mechanical bed. It really could have turned out worse.
Oh, AND I got this amazing book, "Lost in the Supermarket: An Indie Rock Cookbook". It's a bunch of recipes written by bands I love, and I'm psyched about gettin' my food on with the boys, once I can walk without wincing. Merry Christmas.

It's Blog-tastic! No, it's not.

Wednesday night was about as ridiculous as possible.

Even though the night got out of control after about 3 hours, I still really cherish the time I spend with my friends when they come home and everyone is together and it feels like I'm 16. I don't want to know where I would be in life without that group of kids.
I don't even know how I ever dated Justin for 3 years. Especially watching him attack one of my best friends through a car window and causing that amount of trouble just for the sake of revenge or violence or what the heck ever. Extra lame and disrespectful.
Weird how my positivity dwindles after 24 hours. Thank you, hormones.
So. Neat-o. I'm alone in the apartment with PMS super powers waiting for Ross to be done moving his friend into a house.
I really do think Ross is the perfect boy. Crossing my fingers I don't ruin this relationship by Ally-ing out on him one of these days.